As the end of the year approached... I realized I had no song, no word, no nothing of the year. In comparison to last year, I did not really thought of this as the end of the year. Time passed by so quickly and it has been so much fun that I just couldn’t sum it up. So I’ve decided to write a blog. I don't know what it is about but the only thing I can tell you is that the order probably won't have sense whatsoever... or the whole blog won't.
As i was sitting on my couch and had nothing else to do but eat I had an epiphany. I don't know how huge of a deal it is (to be honest, I never know how huge of a deal stuff is until i see people's reactions on it) but I know that it is, somewhat, life changing (to be honest, every single thing I do is).
As I was saying, as I was eating a choco-chip muffin, I discovered the way the mind works. I could tell my mind to keep eating, and it would, but when I tried to stop I couldn't. I mean come on, it was a good muffin, but I’ve been eating more than twice the calories i should for a week and a half, and its time to stop. So I did. And I started planning. I remembered planning something about the day after it, that i would eat healthy organic foods and fiber. Clean up my system like it was before all this junk. And I did. But then, as I planned the day after that one, my mind failed on me as a huge cookie came my way. And again, and again, and again. I felt like a total stranger to myself, and I had no dedication to my diet. I wanted to step out my body and look at myself, to see what is wrong. I couldn't. I still can't. I'm just writing.
Before I realized this, I kind of viewed myself as a hobo with a home whose most exciting part of the day is having cookies for dinner. Obsessions are hypocrites, no matter what it is. Huge, stupid, selfish hypocrites.
BUT the epiphany appeared. It goes something like: There are two people inside me, and they hate each other. Kind of like the devil and angel above my shoulders, but sneaky. This had to do with my eating for that week and with whatever other problem I’ve ever had. I never thought of their presence, but now that I’ve found them its like, for once, I don't get to be one or another, I just get to be me. The hell with body image and the hell with food. I got to hear the devil and the angel in a balanced way. I will never be too good or too bad, no matter how much my head tells me. I'm in between.
Organizing things will make you crazy. You live your life organizing or you organize your life living. I choose the second one, for once and for all.
Now, talking about problems lately, I’ve never been much of a talker of love, but never in my life have I hated someone. I love so many people in so many ways, and I love everything that surrounds me. I love the people that need me and I love the people who don't. But I never say it. I hate when people think I’m something I’m not but I keep it cool. It is impossible to not care what other people think, it’s egocentric and stupid, because to be honest, doing things that only you like won't be of the likes of others and you'll end up lonely, old, and with a bunch of cats as your companion. Cats don't judge, eh?
It's like, this whole year I’ve realized that the best things in life are the bad things. You can gain weight, but you can lose it. You can win and win and win... and the winning won't be fun anymore. You need to lose to know how it feels to win. I did not learn it the hard way; I just know that I learned it. If this blabbing make any sense. But that is all I want everyone to know, and if I see someone feeling defeated in whatever social network I’m on, I always try to say "Move on". There are falls everywhere and there is no goal. Everyone's goal is happiness, but it’s nonexistent. It might sound heartbreaking, but it is not. Your whole life you'll try to reach it, and when it’s been too much time and too much effort, you will look back and regret that you didn't know that happiness was already there. That’s why old people always say something like, "enjoy your youth" or something. You are in happiness. You're just way too concentrated trying to know what happiness is and where it is that you confuse yourself. There is no way to know it, and if there was, God would've already shown it to us. But he hasn't.
If you ever feel ignored, stupid, or just, like to hit yourself emotionally, stop. I got to be honest, I’m no one to talk about this kind of stuff, because I am NOWHERE near perfect (specially in this topic) but I know that if I try to tell people to change maybe me myself and I will too. It’s never about changing yourself; it’s about trying to help others. And once you've spent a little of your time trying to solve someone else's problem you'll realize you left no time for yours. It’s good, try it.
And last but not least, writing. I've always felt this awkwardness when someone asks "What do you do in your free time?" and I answer "Write.". It’s egotistic and it makes me sound like a hippie. I've looked for many other ways to phrase it but there is no other way. So yeah, I write, I’m no nerd, I did not get a high SAT score but I did get a good grade in Spanish. And I can write a song out of nowhere about anything in 5 minutes. "To all those people out there who think I’m no good, you're no better."
After all those "need-of-air' laugh fits and scary stories of how easy it is to die after a “near death experience” (which wasn’t really near)... after all those nights that we ate so much it felt like a hangover the next day... after the infinite silences of the psychologist that always was there for a reason... I know all this. So it is all about a balance. That is, after all, the word I chose for my 2010. What’s yours?
xxxxxxxx - Mercy
PS - its okay to fall. Do it often. But pick yourself up before you fall again, or you will just look weird laying on the floor all the time. Oh and live for the little things.
