eternal sunshine of the stressful mind

Time wasted is time that passes way too fast. I've been struggling in and out of things that arent my problems, doing stuff that i'm not interested in, and been nothing but stressed these past almost two months i havent updated. I updated because i felt inspired. I lost my inspiration.

I've done plenty of things i dont want to, but this is long term. I'm stressed 20 of the 24 hours a day... and with that you can almost calculate the time i sleep. I don't know where I am. I don't know where i stand. But I'm not sad. I'm just living things i dont want to live like if it was air; neccesary but not a bother. It just rubs off my shoulders.

Now the mistake i've done many times before was make a big deal. If you start to make a big deal about something thats wrong in your life, its going to be even bigger. Just ignore it, try to live, and you'll see how TIME HEALS EVERYTHING. I fully understand that term now.

Now in between missing the cruise, wanting to go away to achieve something bigger than me.. theres the truth. I've gotta let go, but i've gotta move on. If i really want to go away, i'll go away. I've been a big fan of change, and i'm going to do it.

"So what if it hurts me? So what if i break down? so what if the world throws me off the edge, my feet right off the ground. I've gotta find my place..." (Leona Lewis gets me)

So, i dont care if you think i'm demented. I'm alright with it. I know some things will hurt me on the way to try to change, but it'll be for the better. I thought i fought the battle but all i was doing is getting my armour. Things are not supposed to make sense at the time. Maybe i'm wrong, i will NEVER say i'm right because i'm not the one to say it. I'd be ignorant, knowing that everything that is right might be a mistake later. I'll just do whatever i think will make me feel better, not benefit me. Hell, benefit will fly away someday. I just want to be happy.

Anyways... where i was going with this is that i had yet to find something that would make me feel that relaxation, that "im stranded in the middle of nowhere" feeling. The feeling i have when i don't care who's around and i just focus on one thing. That feeling that i get when i'm fully living. Its being in a total peace of mind.

And i'm here to tell you i found my answer.

Books.

I've grown fond of some books. I read stuff that are interesting but yet weird. The weirder it gets, the better. I love reading about something that makes your life change. And i love tragedies.

I was looking through my sisters books and i found something. Its called "The lovely bones". You might've already heard about it, its going to be a huge movie. I decided to read it. I had enough free time on class to waste on this book. I was going to start reading again

Although the day passed as slow as can be, at 2:00pm i had read half the book. I felt someplace else. I felt that state of mind i needed. Not the typical teenage feeling i had. Not the clothes, not the guys, not the gossip. Not anymore. I felt peace. And i loved it. And i didnt care who knew. I spent most of my free time sitting on the floor reading. Some teachers passed by and smiled. I got appreciation from teachers AND my "mind-sleep" i needed. I was happy.

So read this book. Its NOT a happy book. Well what i've read. But its life changing. I'm not going to tell you whats it about but what i can tell you is that this author is amazingly talented in portraying a teenage tragedy in a teenagers eyes. It doesnt get boring, and it doesnt get scary. You either get too traumatized, or not traumatized at all.

So thats it. My blog entry. I've realized that mind relaxation makes me wanna write blogs. I forgot what my password was. Its my school's fault. You take my mind out of the important things...

Your typical hugs and kissessss - Mercy

P.S. I love dany. "Lo voy a poner de quit!!!!"